This blog post was inspired by the prompt "Everybody Struggles" for my Outreachy internship. I've also written another post focusing on my technical struggles and achievements.

Talking about struggles is really hard. It requires vulnerability and honesty, which is not easy when you don’t like yourself and believe you haven’t changed from your past self. You end up telling yourself you struggle because you deserve it due to past actions, and the world reinforces this belief by hating you for who you are now. For me, the reason why I struggle is because I have hurt people in the past for being minorities—for being trans, for being gay, for the color of their skin. The thought of potentially being trans myself was terrifying. I wish I could take it all back, but it doesn’t work that way. I am glad most of the people who suffered from interacting with me in the past have forgiven me.

“You’re not a good person… Good people don’t end up here.”

GLaDOS, Portal

I’m homesick

I haven’t truly been home for three years. Physically, yes, I’ve been there, but I always left myself back at university or high school, where people accepted me and I didn’t feel judgment.

I miss my mother telling me she loves me, referring to the real me, not the image she created. I miss her jokingly calling me her daughter, then unaware, when I showed interest in traditionally feminine things or did feminine chores. I hated being forced outside to help my father with his projects.

I miss my father, but mostly because I don’t feel I ever really met him. He was always working hard to make ends meet, trying to gain our love by being the permissive one when we’d directly ask.

I miss my supportive sister, who I feel I can’t be around because I worry about putting her future in danger. I feel the stress on her would be immense if our parents pestered her about whether she’s supportive of me. She has played a crucial role in me figuring myself out, and she’s the reason I keep going. I want to give her the chance to pursue whatever she wants for university.

Being me

Despite everything, I’ve met some amazing people at university. Raluca, the greatest ally, helping me learn to better interact with people. Antonia, one of the brightest people I know, always motivates me to keep going. Chloe & Max, my nerdy trans friends (Chloe, you still owe me money!). And Budan, for helping me stay grounded when I came out to myself.

This year, I attended Pride in Cluj and made some new friends, chatting with many more. It makes me hopeful that I will go back home one day.

Last year, my grandparents saw me at Pride on the news, leading to questioning from my parents. This year, I was afraid to attend and had an exam scheduled on Saturday. But in a last moment change of plans I decided to go, I wanted to be as loud as I could.

These moments give me hope. They remind me that even though the world can be unaccepting, there are pockets of love and acceptance, not only in the university dorm but in the streets as well. These experiences fuel my desire to one day return home, not just physically, but as my whole self, accepted by those I love.

Until then, I will continue to cherish the supportive group I have found myself in and strive to be my true self as often as it’s safe. Thank you to everyone who has stood by me, and to those who are still struggling: know that you are not alone. There is hope, we can live, without fear or shame.

My mentor

Thank you for not treating my trans-ness as something that makes me different. Talking with me as you would with any other engineer means a lot. I mostly didn’t get to work while being out, and when I did, it was often awful because I felt people treated me differently.